Anyway, back to the quiet house. I have to tell you, this "waiting to test" thing is really hard. It seems like the longest, most nerve-wracking week I have experienced. Although (after 2 years of infertility, medicines, doctors appointments, and inseminations) we have had many of these types of weeks. it now seems we've reached the end of this path. If IVF doesn't work, we're done with trying for a pregnancy. And that reality cannot weigh heavier on two people who desperately want a family, and for a woman who wants more than anything to know what it is like to bring a life into this world. The Waiting... that one word contains so much emotion, so much pain, so much hope, so much fear, and sooooo sooo many prayers.
In order to escape from all the "things" going on in my head, I decided to get out my IPOD to allow my soul some escape into worship. I have had one song on repeat all night ("Healing is in Your Hands"-Christy Nockels). If you have never heard it, go download it NOW. Tonight, with the help of Ms. Nockels, my soul was able to begin thanking the Lord for the Waiting. I think every part of Infertility has challenged my faith: to remember that God loves me, and more than that to believe that my suffering is HIS BEST for me. That part still doesn't make sense to me, and I am not sure it ever will. But tonight these words struck me "Now by YOUR Grace I stand. Healing is in YOUR hands." If there is ONE thing The Waiting has shown me, it is that by God's grace, we are still standing! We still believe, we still hope, we still love. Only the mercy of Jesus has given us just that. The ability to keep moving. And in all this "Waiting," I am NOT, in anyway, missing out...because He's already given it ALL to me.
(READ SLOOOOWLY and really take it in)
Romans 8: 31-35,37-39
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
....NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor ANYTHING else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for a Godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.
We know that IVF may not lead us to our babies. We know that God may have different plans, and if He does, they are better plans. Right now, I cannot imagine what that could possibly be. But I know we'll be ok. The Lord already knows what lies ahead for me, well past the results of next week. And I believe with everything in me that those plans are good. And as for Craig and I, we'll still be standing. Our hearts may hurt, but our faith will not waiver.
In the last few days, we've discussed whether or not to test early, or whether to just wait for our blood test. I've gotten opinions on either side. However, tonight I think I peacefully resolved that we will wait. I sort of feel like God is doing some healing in me, allowing me to let go, preparing me for what is on the other side of that test. And I think that it's probably pretty miraculous, whatever He is doing. So I am going rejoice. Rejoice in the unknown of the next few days. Because there is something beautiful about really, truly experiencing God's love and his mercy toward us in the depths. And I don't want to miss out on that because I am so eager for an answer. That may sound silly to some, and I am not saying this for anyone else but myself. I NEED to experience the wait. I WANT to see God weave something more inside of me than just our miracle baby. Each one of these precious days (that seem to slowly tick by) is a day that He is molding and shaping, breaking and repairing, convicting and encouraging us. So I ask for your prayers that we will be able to look back with thanksgiving for every single one of them.
Goodnight. And GO download that song!
2 Peter 1:3
His divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for a Godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.
We know that IVF may not lead us to our babies. We know that God may have different plans, and if He does, they are better plans. Right now, I cannot imagine what that could possibly be. But I know we'll be ok. The Lord already knows what lies ahead for me, well past the results of next week. And I believe with everything in me that those plans are good. And as for Craig and I, we'll still be standing. Our hearts may hurt, but our faith will not waiver.
In the last few days, we've discussed whether or not to test early, or whether to just wait for our blood test. I've gotten opinions on either side. However, tonight I think I peacefully resolved that we will wait. I sort of feel like God is doing some healing in me, allowing me to let go, preparing me for what is on the other side of that test. And I think that it's probably pretty miraculous, whatever He is doing. So I am going rejoice. Rejoice in the unknown of the next few days. Because there is something beautiful about really, truly experiencing God's love and his mercy toward us in the depths. And I don't want to miss out on that because I am so eager for an answer. That may sound silly to some, and I am not saying this for anyone else but myself. I NEED to experience the wait. I WANT to see God weave something more inside of me than just our miracle baby. Each one of these precious days (that seem to slowly tick by) is a day that He is molding and shaping, breaking and repairing, convicting and encouraging us. So I ask for your prayers that we will be able to look back with thanksgiving for every single one of them.
Goodnight. And GO download that song!
Beautiful post! I am just catching up so I know the next post is not quite so peace-filled, but I loved your reflections on faith in the midst of this wait. Praying with you!
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