Good Grief

Yes, we're mourning. But let's start on a positive note, shall we?

First, I want to thank every one who prayed. It sucks to go through something like this, but we have been reminded time and time again that WE ARE LOVED. Your texts, emails, phone calls - even your blog comments - have more than sustained us throughout this season. Really, you have no idea. I also want to mention a few things about God and His hand in this, but I will save that for the end. I don't want to end on a negative, too. No pun intended.

I don't know what to say about the cycle except that it was, in the end, a lot harder for me than the first. Even though my hopes weren't up as high, I think in my subconscious was well aware that the percentages were up for a frozen transfer. Couple that with Rachel showing some telltale signs of pregnancy, and you get one blindsided son of a gun when we heard that voicemail.

From here, it's picking up the pieces, which is always messy. There are the practical questions: When do we do our last cycle? Where does the money come from? Will it even work since the embryo quality is less-than-ideal? What do we think about adoption today? Also, there are the big, scary, God questions, like Why did He let this happen? If you've been down this road or any road of suffering, you know that this question is the hardest to answer, but I think is the most important.

The common answer to "Why did God let this happen?" is to answer "Because He has something better for us!" But think about that for a minute. Aren't there people - good people - who go their whole lives without seeing the promised land? Moses, anyone? So, NO. God did not let this happen because He has something better for us. We are not so much as guaranteed our next breath, much less is God in our debt because He allowed us to suffer for a season.

Besides, God has a lot of other people to worry about. He doesn't sit around asking Himself, "Now, how can I make that one up to Craig and Rachel?" Does He feel compassion for us? Yes. More than any human can even imagine. Will He help us bear our burden? Of course. That's in the Bible too. But no where does the Bible say God will even out the bad in your life with some good. God has a kingdom to run. So why DID God let this happen? Because it serves His plans for His kingdom. End of story.

Now I think God loves us (more than we can imagine) and I think God will, ultimately, give us a good life. But I am rethinking my definition of "good." Good may not mean the house we always wanted, or the job we dream about. It may mean having everything stripped away, maybe for a season, maybe for longer, so that we have no other choice but to fall into His arms and experience a rich, intimate dependence on Him. It may mean suffering so that we can minister to others who mourn.

So does it mean we accept our fate and stop praying for that miracle? Absolutely NOT! Because God does encourage us to make our supplications known to Him! We just have to be ready for any answer to those long-labored over prayers. Rachel said something right before we listened to our voicemail. She said, "Whatever happens, it's not a mistake." This was God's will. And we are, whether we like it or not, in God's will today. And if God is good, then so is His will. So you may not be able to tell by looking at us for the next couple of days, but truth is this: we are in a good place; we are in God's hands.