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My hopes at this time last year were that Craig would finally be settled in a career he loved (teaching, we thought), we'd be in a house and done with apartment living, we'd have our baby, my business would be booming.....but only enough to allow us financial security.

My reality this year is that Craig is changing careers (again), we're still rocking the apartment and its 80+ degree temperature this summer, we still have no baby, and my business had a really rough year, so we're even debating whether I need to get another job!

I don't really like ambivalence.  I like to choose one direction and MOVE that way.  But for some reason God has kept us in a season that we don't really like that much.  A season where NOTHING has changed, yet at the same time EVERYTHING has changed.  Actually, I guess its more like WE have changed.   I pray more than anything this place has allowed us not just to change, but to be transformed.  The one thing I prayed 2 years ago was that if God was calling us to a long journey through infertility (no one ever things they will be the ones where nothing seems to work), that we would grow through it, to be different, to be transformed by it.  Honestly, I think much of this is a choice.  While God is sovereign and He has planned our path for our good, for our growth, I don't think we actually get anything out of it unless we submit to it.  For me, its almost been a process ( a "continual process, I might add) of giving up.  I love to control things, I love to plan things, and I would say I even like to wrestle with God some (don't ask me why).   So the process of giving up, letting go, and rolling with the punches is not in my nature.  I've questioned my doctors, I've questioned God's love, I've questioned our decisions.  You name it, I've fought it!  And....hmmm...yep....still here, still in the same place.   My option now is to submit to it, to remember His plan is better, and to trust Him in the the journey.  I think I often view life as a path to "somewhere, or someplace", rather than a journey of knowing and experiencing Christ more.  I wonder if I viewed it more as an adventure than a destination,  maybe I would soak it in.  Maybe if I stopped viewing my life as a monopoly game,  I'd feel less disappointed. Maybe if I embraced the ups and downs in life as part of God loving me, I would enjoy the ride a bit more.   So (hopefully), I am learning to do that.

On a more direct update:  Craig is starting a new job.  Right now he's got his student hat on to prepare for some licensing test, but hopefully he'll be re-joining the world of financial planning soon.  Please pray for that.  Its a big leap for us financially, and its a leap for him to change from teaching.  But we've felt the Lord's peace about it, so we're moving forward.  As for our Infertility treatment, we're on a break.   Financial and emotional resources are lacking right now, so we felt we needed to hold off for a few months. In the meantime, we're just praying and praying about where to go from here.  Please, please keep praying with us.  I know its hard to remember to pray when all the "action" has ceased.  But we still need it.  We have lots of decisions to make before moving forward, and I feel we almost need more serious, fervent prayer now than we ever needed during our treatment.

LOVE you all!  I can't thank the Lord enough for each and every one of you!