A Letter to our Embies

(Post from a Grieving Infertile: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

To our first two "Embies"...
I know for some, grieving a pregnancy that never was is probably a little strange.  But to me that grief is very real, because you were real.  You were part of the answer to the millions of prayers our hearts have prayed over the past 2 years. Although I thought after Sunday's preliminary negative test, we were beginning to move somewhat past the grief part and were on our way to moving forward.  But that was until tonight.  Tonight I feel differently, probably because it feels final: we will not ever meet you here on earth.

With all advice to "think positively" and to "pray with hope", I allowed myself the pleasure of starting to feel like your "mother."   Until 9 1/2 days ago, we had never had the privilege of knowing that together a little LIFE had been created.  This was the first time we had ever experienced that kind of joy!  I had never been able to imagine that there would be any type of LIFE safe in my belly, until the day God allowed the two of you to be placed there.  For that experience alone, I will always be grateful.  I thank the Lord for all 9 1/2 days of laying on the couch thinking about you, as Lucy snuggled in close to my tummy.  I am thankful for the moments Craig and I got to imagine you growing, dreaming of the day we might finally meet you in person.  Thinking about how many nights we spent praying for you and over you, I have to admit I am still so confused as to why Jesus chose not to answer our prayers the way the way that we hoped.  But I do know he gave me 9 1/2 precious days to feel like I knew you....just a little bit.  And I will always, ALWAYS be thankful for those days.  You were our gifts.  You ARE our gifts.

Tonight, I am unable to sleep, as selfishly I am turning God's plan into my own self doubt.  I have questioned everything from "What else is still broken inside of me?" to "What kind of mother am I when I can't even nurture my embryos?"  Its painful enough when you cannot seem to have a baby "on your own".  But now, to face the reality that my "babies" were growing and thriving in a petri dish and an incubator, but my body refused to sustain them is almost unbearable!  Ultimately, I know that you are His. You are not mine.   And while we prayed for a lifetime with you, God gave us 9 1/2 sweet days.  How can I be angry?  He has blessed us.  He has given us something great.  And He sustains us and gives us mercy, even when we'd rather believe He's failed us.

We have said all along that we wanted God to do something Great through our infertility, something Miraculous.   He HAS done and He IS doing just that.   You, our first 2 little Embryos, are miracles from our Creator.  God's gift of you has changed us, and probably will continue to change us, for the better.  To Him be the Glory, forever and ever.

Job 1:21b "The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Love, 
Mom