As much as we tried to make the remaining part of Craig's Spring Break fun, relaxing, and enjoyable, it would be denial to say that there was not still a dark cloud looming over both our heads. I am not really sure what to feel right now, and I am pretty sure Craig just feels the weight of the world (and our future) on his shoulders.
After meeting with our doctor, we feel good about our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Our doctor feels like everything went perfectly, but admitted that there is still so much about creation that we "just don't know." He admitted that he wished he could pinpoint a reason as to why our IVF cycle failed, but he did not have any definite answers. Honestly, that was good news to us. I think some people might prefer an explanation, so that it can be "fixed" for the next cycle. We, however, feel like we really can't take hearing one more thing that is wrong with us! So it was nicer to just hear that it wasn't in God's plan this time. Craig felt like we should take a little break from all things "Infertility" for awhile, and possibly consider gearing up for the transfer this summer. I had to agree. As much as I want to just go, go, go, so that hopefully our baby will come sooner than later, we need a break. We have had not one week of normal life in a LOOOONG time. So we're taking a month or two off.
We have spent many hours over the last few weeks just trying to process through all the many sorrows we have faced over the last 2 years. From jobs being given, to jobs being taken away, from debt to more debt, to hopefully buying a house, to that being taken away, and then the fact that we are no closer to a family than we were 2 years ago. I told Craig it is just so hard for me to know that God loves us, but at the same time accept that He is allowing us to have such a difficult journey...I just don't know how to wrap my brain around it. Why does He give only to take away? I guess alot of people have asked that question over the years. I think this question alone has been the dark cloud I have been facing for weeks, not necessarily due to our failed IVF.
Over the last few weeks we have received an ABUNDANCE of support and many sweet gifts and blessings from friends and family. I honestly feel so thankful that we have shared our journey. It has been a debate as to how much to share, and I honestly feel like the "Sad" Friend in the group most of the time. But I also realize that this is what true community and real "church" is: Sharing your sorrows, hanging in there when the ugly gets even uglier, and praying for someone when you know they have no more strength to pray on behalf of themselves. I have realized I don't really like being that person, the recipient of love. Why? I have NO IDEA! But it is obvious that I have a pride issue, because it is so uncomfortable for me to accept things as love and not as charity. So maybe that is one MORE lesson God is trying to teach me: To lay down my pride and to accept grace where its given.
I think I am also learning to be more attentive to the needs of others. It is so easy to say "I'm praying for you!" But it is much harder to make space in your every single day to truly pray for someone. Its easy to say "Let us know if we can do anything." It takes much more time to do what something without being asked. Its so much easier to check on someone when there is news to be heard. But it is much, much harder to stop your life, pick up the phone and check in on them because, well...people just need to be checked up on! I am learning these things only because I am the recipient of these things lately. I am learning these things, and I realize that I have to be one of the MOST selfish and self-focused people on the planet.
A few weeks ago, I received a sweet gift. Craig and I took Lucy for a walk to a park nearby the weekend after our failed IVF. There was obviously some sort of group there, picnicking, playing volleyball and other games. From the far end of the park I could see this little boy running towards us. He was probably about 4 years old, with gorgeous chocolate skin and the sparkliest brown eyes I'd ever seen. He was running to stop us so that he could pet Lucy. We gave him a chance to pet her and he chattered on about how big she was, how he had a big dog too, etc. I then kind of mentioned that he should probably head back to where his family and friends were, not wanting to be the creepy, childless, stalker-woman at the park. He started to head back that direction, but he stopped suddenly, reached down, picked a dandelion, and handed it to me first....showing off his big toothy smile and those same sparkly brown eyes at the same time. He didn't say anything, it was just the gesture. But needless to say I lost it. One little bit of kindness from a sweet little boy, who didn't know me or my sadness. I don't know if he sensed that I needed that kindness or if that was just in his nature, but it made me realize how important it is to be noticed when you are in the midst of sorrow. This little boy and his dandelion taught me a lesson that day....open your eyes, Rachel, and notice people, and acknowledge what is going on with them. It matters. They matter!
I think I am also learning to be more attentive to the needs of others. It is so easy to say "I'm praying for you!" But it is much harder to make space in your every single day to truly pray for someone. Its easy to say "Let us know if we can do anything." It takes much more time to do what something without being asked. Its so much easier to check on someone when there is news to be heard. But it is much, much harder to stop your life, pick up the phone and check in on them because, well...people just need to be checked up on! I am learning these things only because I am the recipient of these things lately. I am learning these things, and I realize that I have to be one of the MOST selfish and self-focused people on the planet.
A few weeks ago, I received a sweet gift. Craig and I took Lucy for a walk to a park nearby the weekend after our failed IVF. There was obviously some sort of group there, picnicking, playing volleyball and other games. From the far end of the park I could see this little boy running towards us. He was probably about 4 years old, with gorgeous chocolate skin and the sparkliest brown eyes I'd ever seen. He was running to stop us so that he could pet Lucy. We gave him a chance to pet her and he chattered on about how big she was, how he had a big dog too, etc. I then kind of mentioned that he should probably head back to where his family and friends were, not wanting to be the creepy, childless, stalker-woman at the park. He started to head back that direction, but he stopped suddenly, reached down, picked a dandelion, and handed it to me first....showing off his big toothy smile and those same sparkly brown eyes at the same time. He didn't say anything, it was just the gesture. But needless to say I lost it. One little bit of kindness from a sweet little boy, who didn't know me or my sadness. I don't know if he sensed that I needed that kindness or if that was just in his nature, but it made me realize how important it is to be noticed when you are in the midst of sorrow. This little boy and his dandelion taught me a lesson that day....open your eyes, Rachel, and notice people, and acknowledge what is going on with them. It matters. They matter!
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